Welcome to yet another sad day.  It is Mother's Day 2001.  I have had many feelings of guilt over things that were said and done, as well as things that were not said and done between my mother and myself.  I had always hoped as an adult, that we could somehow patch the things that were not right between us, because I so wanted a mother in my life, I needed that much. I had never known what it was like to feel loved by a mother, and, well...now that she is no longer here, I find it hard to put the feelings I have towards my life as a child growing up with her and my feelings of confusion and uncertaintity today.  I have shed many tears of guilt, pain, and maybe even sorrow, as I struggle with what could of/should have been, and what just never happened. *tears*

I struggle with guilt as I find my feelings towards friends stronger, more sincere than they ever were for my own flesh and blood.

I find I live in her shadow as I try not to become the kind of mother she was, and often feeling doubts as to my own capacity of a mommy to my 5 beautiful babies.  Even though I have not ever abused them, and would never consider doing so, I live in fear, that someday, unconscioulsy, something will happen, because I struggle so much with the feelings of the panic attacks and memories.  I find myself feeling I am not good enough to be a human being, let alone a mommy, this comes, I suppose from the years of being mentally abused as well as all the other abuse I took.

Most children are honoring their mom's today, for everything they ever did for them, I cannot do this, in a morbid kind of way, I feel I must honor her death. For that was the day, that I would no longer receive any more pain, harsh words, or hatred from her.

On the same note, I also feel very angry towards her, because she has died, her problems are over, but for me the nightmare is just beginning, as I battle and suffer the effects of many many years of abuse from her.

It is Mother's Day, and I feel kind of lost, confused, and most of all saddened, by the lack of love, trust, and compassion she never gave me.  I am saddened by the lack of a presence of a mom in my life as a child and even an adult.

I would like to share this letter I wrote to her a little over 2 years ago, I believe it was written on or near Mother's Day then.

Dear Mom:

Most daughters would be all to happy to write to their moms and thank them for everything have done and given them throughout their lives.  Most daughters would be telling their mom how much they mean to them, and how much they love them.  Unfortunately, I am not most daughters.

You never taught me anything but how to hate, mistrust, and to be scared of everyone and everything.  The one thing I did learn from you was how much I didn't want to be like you. I learned how badly I didnt want to treat my own kids, should I ever have them.  And even though my emotional state is the pits, I can hopefully stand tall and proud and say I AM NOT LIKE YOU.

You always demanded love and respect from me.  What the hell right did you have to tell me what I should do?

You played God with me mom. You stole from me my innocence, my trust, my love for you, my respect, and my need and desire to have a mom.

You tried to kill me I don't know how many times, I have lost count. I wore marks around my neck at age 8 for weeks, because you tried to strangle me. I know you do not acknowledge this, because you never acknowledged anything you ever did to me.

You ran me down all my life, you told people lies about me, you plain hated me, why? What the hell were you thinking all those years.  Did you honestly believe I could/would grow up to love and respect you?

After all these years, you still blame me.  Do you really believe a 3 yr old child is capable of initiating sexual contact?  Come on mom, where is your head?

You betrayed me, you used me for your own personal gain, you took my innocence, and for what? You hurt me and let me be hurt.

When I needed my mom, you were never there for me, I begged you to make them stop, I begged you to stop. You didn't even protect me.

I am 32 years old now, and I hate you still.  I tried so many times to forgive you, to love you, but I can't.   Some things cannot be undone like magic, and some pain will not ever go away with "time".

I guess the reason I can't forgive you is because you cannot admit to having done anything wrong, ever.  I mean, hell, your husband doesn't even know about your past.  He thinks your oldest daughter is crazy for the way I treat you.  Why don't you tell Rick about your past mom?   Tell him about how you sold your daughter for sex so you could have the things you wanted, how you let your ex-husband sexually abuse me, how you lost one of your babies when he was 4, because you had to give one up or lose us both.  Tell him mom, about all of your sickness, I don't know how you have managed to live with yourself all of these years.

*tears*

How can you hate me so much mom? What did I ever do to you.  Please tell me that.

2.5 years ago, yes even though I was an adult, you attacked me again, you beat me badly enough that I sustained cracked ribs and a black eye from you, I stood there and took it all from you, because I was so filled with anger, I was afraid I would have killed you. But even then, you made me out to be the bad one.  You had all the relatives believing I was the rotten daughter and you were just the poor innocent victim who was trapped and set up.

Dam it mom, where were you when I needed you?  You used to get so angry with me when I would turn to other people for the "motherly love and attention" I so desperately needed from you.   Other people were listening to me and comforting me when you should have been.

When you had to make the choice between your husband and your daughter, you chose him.  You sent me to live with a man you claimed was my dad. I didn't even know him.  I didn't like him or his wife. When he got fed up with me he passed me to his father, where I was molested again by someone I did not know would do that to me.  When I called you in tears begging you to take me back, you told me you made your choice, you loved your husband and he was more important than a little sl** like me, and then you hung up on me.  I remember so clearly how much those words hurt me, you allowed me to feel alone, frightened, and unwanted.

When I was small you bounced me from one foster home to another, never once thinking of me. You let everyone label me as a problem child.  I would cry my eyes out, and you never shed a damn tear.   Even when I tried to kill myself at 10 years old, you didn't care. Yes I was the one who swallowed the pills, but it was you and my life that made me want out so badly.

When I was 14, I decided I'd had enough and I didn't want to live at home anymore.  I sought shelter from a couple where I thought I would feel safe, I was a live in babysitter for a cop and his family, but I'll be damed if it didn't happen again.  I was sexually assaulted by the cop.   I remember feeling so much pain and hurt and anger as he had his way with me. I felt at that moment in time that you had set my destiny for me, for my entire lifetime.

I left there and went into a group home setting, only to be gangraped several times, again you would not listen to me, you turned your back on me.

When I had kids of my own, you kept trying to have them taken away from me, when that didn't work, you got so angry.

You mom, are such a b*tch, you live your life as nothing has happened, while I have to go through so much pain and suffering , just to come to terms with all of this is a hopeless cause.

You keep living in denial mom, because you are the one missing out on being a grandmother.  And by the way, you have a 20 mont old granddaughter who for a year fought for her tiny little life battling cancer.  But I know if you were here, you would tell me I am being punished for being such a rotten daughter.

For many years, I have failed to be a daughter for/to you.  For many years, I have failed at mending the relationship as mother and daughter.

And yes, it matters to me.

*tearsandmoretears*

I truly am sorry that we never did work this out mom, for part of me aches just wondering if we could have ever worked it out and become what we should have been.  A mother and daughter.  I will never know now, and I will never know why you hated me.

*TEARS*