I've spent days, literally
days, trying to decide how to best write this page, I know some people will be hurt, some
upset, some angry, but maybe this will also make them stop and think about what they are
doing to me.
I've come to a point in my
life that I really don't care what happens to me anymore. I've been hurt so much in the
past year, that I don't know who to trust, I don't know whose friendships are real, I am
very confused and often feeling overwhelmed.
People have me feeling
like I am a psychotic maniac that no one wants to be around. Ok, I'll admit I am
depressed, but I am in no way psychotic or harmful to anyone else in anyway. When
someone gets an email from me, that means I need them. Maybe I can't find the words,
maybe I don't have enough trust to spill everything, but maybe I just need their company.
I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore. Not even at home in my own home.
People tell me they
understand, they tell me they know what I am going through, they say they know I am going
through a difficult time, please don't patronize me, how can anyone possibly know what I
am going through when they don't take the time to talk to me, when they give up and walk
away because I am not ready to trust yet or because I just don't know how to say whatever
it is I want to say. I don't want people to guess, I don't you to feel sorry for me,
and mostly I don't want you to lie because I wouldn't do that to you. Don't pretend to be
my friend if you really have no intentions of being around long enough to get to know me.
Don't tell me you love me, when you don't. Friendship doesn't work that way.
I have given allot of
myself in the past year to people that I grew to love and absolutely adore, only to have
them hurt me in the end. I've had some people walk out of chat with me when I was in the
middle of a panic attack and needed them.
Do you know what it feels
like when people make promises that they will always be there and then THEY decided you
are not worth it anymore and just walk away? Well I do, and it hurts, its a hurt you
can't exactly describe. It feels like they have taken out your heart, stomped and spit on
it, and then handed it back to you and laughed in your face. Its a hurt that takes a
long time to get over.
True friends will see you
through the storms until you can see the rainbow, true friends will wipe away the tears
that are falling, not make more for you. True friends support you, true friends will
hold you when are ready to fall, not let you fall on your face and then laugh at you.
True friends will love you for who you are, they accept everything about you, even
your faults, they won't try to change you or make you be who they want you to be.
I try to be everything a
person wants or needs me to be, this is wrong, I should not have to change who or what I
am to gain friendships. I am who I am, if you are going to love me, you have to love me
for me.
I love and accept your for
who you are, I don't care what you look like, I don't care if you're rich or poor, I don't
care if you're married or single, I don't care if you're happy or sad. I love you because
you are you, no conditions, no rules. I don't expect any less from you nor do I
expect any more from you.
Your Games? I don't
need them, nor do I want them. I wouldn't play games with you, I wouldn't lie to you, I
don't expect it from you. If you're my friend, please love me for me right now. I
need that most.
I suffer from different
forms of depression, to my knowledge, it isn't contagious, take the time to learn about it
instead of running from what you don't understand. If you think you're scared of my
depression, how do you think I feel?
Ok, I am going to shut up
now, and while my words on this page don't apply to everyone, they do apply to a majority
of people I come in contact with.
Here are a couple of
depression related things I currently battle, to give you some info on them. Not
everything I suffer from will be listed here, just a couple I feel are important.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or
PTSD, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of
life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents,
serious accidents, or violent personal assaults like rape [childhood sexual abuse]. People who
suffer from PTSD often re-live the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have
difficulty sleeping, and feel detached or estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough
and last long enough to significantly impair the person’s daily life.
PTSD is marked by clear biological changes as well as
psychological symptoms. PTSD is complicated by the fact that it frequently occurs in
conjunction with related disorders such as depression, substance abuse, problems of memory and
cognition, and other problems of physical and mental health. The disorder is also associated
with impairment of the person’s ability to function in social or family life, including
occupational instability, marital problems and divorces, family discord, and difficulties in
parenting. |
Panic Attacks--Think they aren't
real? Think again. I experience panic attacks and believe me when I say it is the
scariest thing in the world. Yes I have even been known to experience them during a chat
or anywhere else, the post office, the supermarket, and when you think I can control these,
you are wrong, dead wrong.
Panic attacks can happen any time,anywhere to
anyone.
Panic attacks are caused by an incredible sense of
fear. This fear is the same fear you would experience when being chased by a tiger, serial
killer,shark etc...
Panic Attack Symptoms
During a panic attack, some or all of the following symptoms occur:
Terror – a sense that something unimaginably horrible is about to happen and one is
powerless to prevent it
Racing or pounding heartbeat
Chest pains
Dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea
Difficulty breathing
Tingling or numbness in the hands
Flushes or chills
Sense of unreality
Fear of losing control, going "crazy," or
doing something embarrassing
Fear of dying
Also sometimes during my panic attacks my little, also
known as Allie makes
her appearance and tries to convince me that I should do things her way, good or bad.
Most of the time to she wants me to go places with the people who want to hurt me. I tried to
understand this whole "little" thing, but I can't, I find as time goes by and
situations get worse, Allie gets harder to control.
Helping Someone through a Panick Attack :
Listen
Encourage them
Be a voice of resoning
Be understanding
Avoid surprises!!! (they can lead to major attacks)
Acknowledge each achievement
Be patient with them
Most important of all BECOME INFORMED
When talking with someone about attacks, realize that
you will never fully understand this condition unless you've experienced it yourself. Be a
very good listener.
Validate the person's
feelings and sensations. They are very real to the person going through this. Do not belittle
or mock the person's experiences. Even if the thoughts are irrational, they are still very
terrifying to the one experiencing this.
What
you shouldn't say
"Just snap out
of it!" or "Get over it!"
If it were the easy, don't you think we
would? The issues triggering panic and fear usually run much deeper than that. Snapping out of
it or getting over it is not as easy as it sounds. Healing takes time. Don't put any pressure
on us to hurry up and get better. Pressure only pushes us deeper into the fear, not out of it.
"It's just
stress. You'll be fine."
Yes, stress may be a factor in this,
but again, there are deeper issues at hand. Don't tell me it's stress. That only causes me
more stress which triggers more fear and more adrenaline.
No you don't. You do not
understand. You cannot understand. Unless you've experienced a panic attack or crippling fear
first hand, you have no idea what this is like. Yes, you may care. Yes, you may want to help.
But, you do not understand. You may sympathize with me, but don't try to empathize.
How to respond during a panic attack
If you are with someone who is
experiencing a panic attack, it can be quite scary. It may be in the middle of the night while
you are sleeping. It may be in the car while you are driving. It may be at the mall, the bank,
the grocery store. It can happen anywhere.
First and foremost,
don't get mad at the person. Remember that during a panic attack, this person's mind has
reached the "fight or flight" mode. He or she is trying to respond to some unseen
danger. The heart is racing. The breathing has changed. Getting mad will only fuel the vicious
adrenaline cycle.
Don't get mad at the
person. Don't feed the adrenaline with more anger and frustration.
The best response
attitude is one of patience and compassion. Realize that this experience is very real to the
person going through it. Don't create an urgency to get through it. Doing so will cause more
anxiety.
Try to establish your position and what
you're going to say before a person hits the panic mode. This will help the person in the
panic to receive your assistance. Sit down and share with your spouse, your friend, your child
exactly how you plan to help them during the attack. Agree on a plan.
Prepare and share with the person how
you plan to respond. Communicate your thoughts and stradegies before the panic strikes.
Encourage the person that you will not
condemn nor mock what you don't understand.
Panic hits. What do you do? Go over
your game plan, what you talked about beforehand. Sometimes, the person has a very hard time
receiving what you are saying or trying to communicate. Gently get his or her attention. Once
you've got it, starting talking to him or her, sharing what you agreed upon beforehand.
In many cases, the person's breathing
has become really shallow. You should try reminding the person of this. Maybe you can even
count and breathe with the person to help get the person's breathing under control. Something
like, "Breathe in. 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold it. 1, 2, 3, 4. Breathe out. 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold it. 1,
2, 3, 4..."
Also, it helps to remind the person
that the panic will peak and then taper off. But, to the person going through this, it will
not feel like that. The panic feels like it's on a never-ending increase headed towards mental
explosion. At least, that's how it feels.
The key to helping the panic taper down
is for the person not to fight those strange, terrifying sensations. By fighting it, the
person releases more adrenaline causing the feelings to escalate. Remind the person that it
will pass, and he or she should not fight or resist those strange feelings. This is where your
words can change the entire direction of the panic experience.
Help get the person's breathing under
control. Remind the person that the panic will eventually taper off and that the feelings will
pass. And, most of all, help him or her not to fight the feelings. They will pass.
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I guess I have said enough for today, you may be
wondering what my purpose was in writing this? Well I am not sure. Part of me is
hurt and tired of people running from me because they are scared of me, I guarentee,
you have nothing to fear, during a panic attack, I am a danger only to myself, I choose
the flight method during an attack, I try to run, to escape, if ever we are together
during an attack, please don't let me run until you are certain 100% that I am ok. If you
receive an email from me that sounds like I am in need of a friend or assistance, please
reply as soon as you are able to, don't ignore me, that only makes me feel as though I am
not worthy of love and friendship, it makes me feel as though you really do not care about
me or my well being.
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